moving isn't just about the boxes

so yesterday gave me my official first dose of "this is gonna be hard." i went to visit my work site, and while it looks all fine and pretty there, the kids really do need help. i didn't interact with many, but i dunno, having the whole job thing actually materialize just made it that much more real.

it was also my first time venturing through the city alone. i took the bus, and when i boarded, i was the only white person there. i was almost annoyed at myself for noticing, but when you grow up under rather homogenous circumstancs, being a minority is an interesting experience on its own.

it's easy to sit and ponder the big issues, but when they're in your face, you learn how you really feel quite quickly. everyone that i encountered was quite friendly, but getting there (without any mistakes or anything, mind you) still took me an hour and a half. this means a 3 hour daily commute, and that just can't happen. i just can't do it. my work alone will be draining, nevermind spending so much time on the bus and/waiting for the bus. i talked to bryan about it and told him that while i don't like to admit it, i really need his help on this one. he agreed.

i also got hit on by a middle-aged man with a mental disability on the bus, and i'm not being rude in stating that, he was very open about it. he gave me his number at a place that he might be working at, but is unsure of. i realized that things were a bit off when i asked him about the weather and he said that sometimes it gets down to zero here. i'm sorry, sir, but we're in texas. it didn't even get that cold in ithaca.

it was just an interesting experience all around, and while on one hand, things like this remind me of my bravery, i am concurrently humbled by the elements that catch me offguard, such as this. i was polite, of course, but as he looked in his number to get a business card, i noted that he had no money. we have encountered several plea for $$ since we got here, and i was afraid that i had just walked into another. i realized that i have zero experience with the population that i will be working with. i have no idea how to react, and like many others, i generally try and avoid eye contact while atempting to shake off that sense of guilt and almost mutual embarassment when passing another human being begging on the street. i am wondering how my perception of this dilemna will change after i go through this program and what path i will be led on after it. i start training on tuesday, and then serving the underprivledged will be my life. for the next 11 months, this is what will consume me.

i have heard many people say that americorps was the hardest and best thing that they ever did, and i think that this year will show me exactly what they mean by that statement. i'm not sorry that i signed on for this, and i'm definitely still looking forward to what's to come, it was just that only yesterday did i truly realize all that i've thrown myself into.

bryan described me once as never doing anything halfway, and while i dove into this under that philosophy, i hope to embrace it just the same throughout my volunteer experience.

thanks for tuning into this very special episode of "sometimes dana's blog exhibits actual feelings."